I'M SORRY I'M A F UP
by nekocandy4life
Summary: I was useless. I was stupid, a weirdo, a monster, trouble, fat, ugly, a nobody, a fuck up. So I gave up, abandoned that wish of having a father. I became independent and kept my grades high and polished what little talents I had but I felt so empty inside. I felt so fake. So hurt and bent. Like I lost who I truly was and I didn't know how to get him back. (OC is Reita)
1. Onodera Reita!

_It seems that since the day I was born I was made to be a disaster. Maybe even before? From what my dad would tell me from time to time, when my mom was pregnant with me in her belly he would get angry easily for no reason. I was unexpected._

_Maybe that is why?_

_It hurt me hearing my own father say that because honestly, growing up I always longed for his acceptance. I wanted that son-father bond that he and my younger brother held. That unbreakable closeness that allowed them to share secrets and ask one another for advice. It never ceased to make me envious of their understanding of each other. _

_They were best friends and I was a stranger._

_No one really, I was but a shadow watching them from the corner, surrounded by other shadows. Forgotten and abandoned._

_And I've tried, I've tried so many times again and again to build some sort of bond with my father but I always messed things up. I just wanted my dad to notice me, to be remembered, to get some fraction of attention or help he always gave my brother._

_I just wanted my dad._

_It was around the age of nine or maybe ten that I realized why my otouto and our father was close. My brother was perfect in every way ever since growing up._

_He was the straight A meaning he was a genius (our old school wanted to make him skip a grade). He was talented and strived to polish his talents. He was mature for his age and very popular with everyone he met. Everyone wanted him to hang with them or befriend them. In the past even the kids I've befriended just used me to get close to my little brother._

_He was a model person through and through and I...I was a nobody to everybody._

_I had no real friends unless you count my old neighbor's pet cat (not even my own little brother wanted to hang out with me because he loved our brother more.)_

_I was easily the target for bullies._

_I was too hyper for most people so many believed I was stupid (one girl would call me a retard.)_

_I didn't have any talents that couldn't be compared to my brother. (my dad even confirmed that more than once.)_

_My grades weren't high either since no one would take the time to help me._

_Everything I did I always somehow messed it up and accidentally hurt myself or someone else. Be it playing or concentrating. For that people called me so many things that made me cry but crying didn't help none since it only fueled the kids to further make fun of me._

_Through out all that I was crying out for my dad._

_For him to be my dad and make them stop like I saw other dads would do._

_But he didn't._

_He got mad at me instead and told me to stop my crying._

_He didn't even tell the kids to stop making fun of me about my speech impediment. He would just tell me to work on talking better and stop mumbling because he couldn't understand me. So I learned to stand my own ground against bullies. That got me in a lot of fights and that got out to my dad and everyone I was the troublemaker who couldn't do anything right._

_Just a speck who didn't deserve praise for 'being bad all the time' and when I did do something right like in a play or cleaning or helping my grandmother and grandfather around; my dad was never there._

_And all the bad things were all my fault._

_Soon when I was eleven things started looking well. I made a friend the year before and like that we've became inseparable. We both got picked on but we didn't care all that much since we loved hanging around each other and she became like family to me. A family of my own._

_The yearning for my father's attention slimmed a bit whenever I was around my friend but when I got home...it was just like when I was younger._

_A mistake, a stranger, a fuck up to my father._

_I didn't want to be a fuck up to him._

_I wanted to make him proud of something about me._

_I wanted him to hug me and say how much he's proud of me._

_So I trained myself to 'fix' all my flaws._

_I stopped fighting for myself when the taunts were thrown at me. I learned not to make facial reactions or show any emotions when someone would call me gorilla, monster, godzilla, fat ass,_

_queer, etc._

_Like that the fighting ceased unless it was my friend they made fun of._

_I worked hard with my speech therapist to fix my speech impediment. I trained myself not to be as hyper all the time and force myself to focus on my work and do everything right without fucking up. I focused on trying to perfect myself so my dad would notice he had another son, his older son, that wasn't useless or stupid or a nobody. I kept my mouth shut and obeyed whatever command was demanded of me. _

_But it didn't work._

_My otouto still got all his love no matter what._

_I never even got a hug for my accomplishments._

_Coming to this realization; I gave up._

_What was the point of doing all this if it was useless in the first place. I was useless. I was stupid, a weirdo, a monster, trouble, fat, ugly, a nobody, a fuck up._

_So I gave up, abandoned that wish of having a father._

_I became independent and kept my grades high and polished what little talents I had but I felt so empty inside._

_I felt so fake._

_So hurt and bent._

_Like I lost who I truly was and I didn't know how to get him back._

_High school came and I went on as lifeless puppet, only laughing and smiling when I deemed necessary; glaring at people who I deemed might hurt me emotionally, mentally, and physically. I was already bent so much, I didn't want to bend any further that I'll break._

_I've became an actor playing the role of someone else, someone the complete opposite of me. It had it's perks but the down side was the role of the character you're playing morphs into who you really are, distorting your true self and you can't tell who is who anymore._

_It was when I turned fifteen that my father finally began noticing me. He finally wanted to make a bond between us, to get to know who Reita was and his personality._

_But that little boy was far too gone. No longer was I that adolescent that would scream, beg for his father to take him out of the nightmare he got caught in._

_In his place a new Reita stood and he was jaded, hurt and angry that he finally wanted to become his father. But even through all that he could not doubt the slight flicker of hope that maybe, maybe he was never abandoned after all._

_Of course a year later that flicker grew into a full blown fire until it then got blown out again._

_But I learned from that I did._

_Everything in the past made me who I am and I learned a lot despite the agony of it all. It WAS all MY fault. I was trying so hard to win my father's love that I let him choose how I lived my life until now. And I want to hate him, I want to lash out for all those years of loneliness and feeling that I was never good enough and not worthy of love or hugs or anything._

_I've shed my skin to put on a costume that led me down this road of haunting and it was no one but my fault. I chose this, I did this, all because I let myself get blind._

_Deep in my heart that has turned the dark charcoal of black, I still want that son-father relationship. I want to open up and let go of my haunting past, my demons. I want to not hide behind a costume and do things that I want to make my future and in that future I want my dad to be there and not leave me again._

_It won't be easy, nothing ever is sadly, but bit by bit I'm willing to work on rebuilding that short lived bond we managed to make that year and hopefully it will last this time. I have a lot of fears and demons to overcome but like I said before; I'm not that little boy anymore who let himself get blinded. I'm a young man who knows his blind mistakes now and knows what he must do to take his life back in his own hands._

_The past still comes to haunt me,_

_The emotions still attack me,_

_But I think I'm ready to take those steps to forget and forgive._

_I just pray I don't get hurt in the end._

* * *

***RING RING RING***

That's the fifth time today Onodera's phone went off! If that's his mom again I swear I am going to kill both Onodera and myself and bring the phone along with us to hell!

***Ring Ring Ring***

Snap!

"Hurry up and answer it Onodera!" my patience snaps at last. He's scared of me I can see that. I don't want him to fear me but I don't know what to do anymore. He's changed so much and I don't know how to connect with him anymore.

He didn't even remember me when we first met like I remembered him.

That hurt so much; no one can understand the pain that pierced me that day.

At time, Ok every god damn second of the day I wish Onodera was his teenager self again. The boy that I knew as Oda, not Onodera.

I want that one back.

I love Onodera, I do, but I want my Oda back to me but he's lost forever. Will I ever get him back. I don't think so.

***Ring Ring Ring***

"I'm sorry!"

I sigh heavily as Onodera shuts his phone off, not once answering it to tell the person to bug off and leave him alone. That would have been easier, then the caller would know he or she was being a nuisance.

Another thing that changed about Onodera. Before he always stood up against his problems and issues and confronted then head on with all intention of being victorious. He would do it a bit timidly but also ten times as passionate. He never avoided things tossed his way from what I remembered. Heck I experienced that when he confessed to me!

In his way back then he was fearless, a mighty force to be reckon with that made even a cold bastard like myself who didn't believe in love fall to my knees and open my black heart to him.

In my own world down memory lane I forget where I am as I continue to compare and contrast him to the Onodera back then in our high school years.

Everything was so off...something was off.

The manuscript in my hands are forgotten as my brows deepen on my head. I don't notice when Yokozawa and some other guy comes over to my desk until the bear yells at me.

"Masamune!"

"What?" My usual snap back has no bite but I could care less at this moment.

My eyes scrutinize the man besides Yokozawa.

Puny

Middle aged like me and Yokozawa, a bit older perhaps

Hood, cap, faded jeans, all in all casual

Is he even a professional?

"Masamune, this is director Yoshima Manaka Umino."

I get up and bow to the man Umino think 'well my question has been answered.'

"He's here to make yours and Onodera's Mangaka's manga into a collaboration anime." Everyone claps and whoops as I nod and Onodera blushes a bit. "The president had agreed to this and wants you two right now to come follow us and check out the voice actors to see which one would suit which character fine."

"Have you interviewed the actors first?" I ask getting up and gesturing Onodera to do the same.

What if the actors suck?

"Umino has" said guy smiles and speaks up.

"They are all the very best I assure you! One in particular but he never agrees to voice act in Japan. I don't know why since he's originally Japanese himself. This time however he agreed thank god! I managed to convince him!"

"Hn" Might as well get this shit over with the actors. They're probably stuck up and annoying as hell so it's best to scare the living shit out of them now to show them not to fuck around and do this anime half ass like other actors do. That's why so many mangas turn into disappointments when they become anime series. The voice actors don't do their jobs right.

Where almost to one of the meeting rooms to meet these voice actors when Onodera gets the courage to speak up. "What is the actor's name that just now agreed to act here?" Umino look at him smiling a bit before chuckling. "What?"

"His name is Oda." hold the eff up! "To be frank I almost thought you were him but then I told myself that was silly because his hair is longer and you look a tad bigger than him…but the face is remarkably the same. Weird isn't it?"

Onodera seems to stiffen but before he can open his mouth to say anything else we are in the room now looking over the the actors sitting at the round table of the room before our eyes stop at the seat in the center. My eyes widen as the person stares back at us, at Onodera.

My heart pounds like the ocean when the doppelganger of Onodera stands up, hair flowing like golden wheat, and he walks straight up to Onodera. They stares one inch away from the other and then...the guy smiles brightly, beautiful, a smile I remember from high school before he pulls Onodera to him and hugs him.

"Nii san!"

***CRASH***

"NII SAN?!" Me and Yokozawa shouts looking like complete idiots on crack or something.

The supposed brother of Onodera turns around to stare at us blankly before he says bluntly "Yes 'Nii san' he is my older brother and you might be?"

"WHO ARE YOU?" we yell back.

He chuckles "Ah my bad, what poor manners. I am **_Reita's_** otouto; _**Oda Ritsu**_."

* * *

**Before I get bashed for making a new story without finishing any of my other ones; Let me start by saying why I decided to write this.  
**

**Twinkle before you came to me with the plot and idea of UD, I have been running a story in my mind about ritsu having a twin. **

**I just never knew what to call him until you made up Reita. **

**I don't want you or anyone who is a fan of Reita to hunt me down for making him OOC in here but I'd like to make him a bit hurt in this story. **

**I want people to not fear him in this story but sympathize with him. **

**And give Reita a thoroughly deserved back story that led him down a path of betrayal and redemption. **

**I hope you Twinkle and everyone will enjoy this story. I want to do my best, push my limits, with this one cause...to me...it is more special than any of my other stories besides Beautiful Crimson. **

_**THE OPENING POV FOR THIS STORY IN ITALICS IS A LETTER/STORY I WROTE MY DAD ABOUT HOW I ALWAYS FELT GROWING UP. I MADE ADJUSTMENTS TO IT AS YOU CAN SEE WITH REPLACING SHE TO HE AND SISTER WITH OTOUTO OR LITTLE BROTHER. **_

_**I'M NOT GOOD AT SHARING THINGS WITH MY DAD VERBALLY SO I STARTED WRITING LETTERS. **_

_**THEY SHALL GO IN HERE, NOT FOR REVIEWS, OR FOR PITY**_

_**BUT I FEEL THE NEED TO MAKE AS TRIBUTE.**_

_**TO SHOW NOT ONLY MYSELF BUT OTHERS HOW FAR WE MAKE IT AND TO ENCOURAGE NOT ONLY THOSE BUT ME AS WELL HOW FAR WE HAVE TO GO TO LET OUR PAST REST WHERE IT BELONGS. **_

_**THE STORIES ARE MADE UP BUT JUST KNOW THESE WORDS FROM THE HEART AREN'T.**_

_**THANK YOU AND TIL NEXT TIME~**_

_**NEKOCANDY4LIFE**_


	2. I am

_I am… _

_I am the guy who no one knew existed  
The one with problems no one cared to help solve_

_I am the one out of many specks in the air that is never seen  
The forgotten in the street as people overlook him_

_I am the toy to bullies who took joy in making my life more of a hell it already was  
The boy who had to stay up nights listening to his parents scream and then cry for their lost love _

_I am the guy whose heart was numbed by all the agony around it  
The one who decided early in life to keep his mouth shut and everything bottled up_

_I am the birthday boy who no one remembered that very day  
The fool who kept his hopes up that maybe one person would spare him pain_

_I am the idiot who was wrong by hoping  
The indifferent kid who mask finally broke_

_I am the silence who waited until his father left for a meeting  
The one who crept downstairs, leg bleeding, and went into the kitchen cabinet _

_I am the broken who stared at his palms counting the tiny little pills  
The shattered who listened as his brother sang in the shower before popping some in his mouth_

_I am the shadow who waited fifteen years and four days to do this  
The one whose mind became fuzzy until blackness took over_

_I am the loser who brother came out of the showers clean and fresh and found him  
The being who was on the floor of his room, having a seizure and barely wheezing_

_I am the twisted thoughts who watched my death with a sick silver of pleasure  
The relief whose pain was ebbing into nothing now_

_I am the light who was never turned on  
The gem that was never found_

_I am the picture hidden in the far corner of the attic now, who no one knows his story  
The one who doesn't exist_

—_Oda Ritsu_

* * *

I have lived through the guilt of my sins. Hidden in the depths of darkness that is my father, and away from the light that is my otouto. I have kept my crimes against my brother from him, locked inside of cage screaming for any bit of sanity left inside my heart, mind, and soul. But here and now standing by me, it all fights more to leak out from its confinement like a flood as I am held lovingly by my little brother's warm arms.

I don't deserve his acceptance.

I definitely don't deserve his forgiveness.

I have believed that whole heartedly since we parted long ago on bitter reasons.

When I took his life and identity that day and turned it into something dark, so very unlike him, who is sunshine compared to gloomy, moody me. So why is he forgiving me?

Those green furious eyes from eleven years ago are not supposed to be gazing at me softly with love and acceptance, yet they are as his voice calls me nii san and tells me how much I'm missed and that he doesn't care about our bittersweet feud of the past.

I can't look at him!

The shame and the guilt are eating me up inside!

And to point out that his first love is right there staring at us!

The truth will spill as it seems now, I can see it coming, and my otouto will go back to hating me to the depths of hell again; the emotions will triple and in the light of the truth will come open wounds with sizzling hot anger. I deserve every spite and punched I know will be thrown at me.

I deserve to be abandoned again.

B-but…I…I don't want to be.

"So why do you two have different last names?" I jump from Kisa san's question directed at Ritsu and me. After the whole ordeal reunion at work, we got dragged to the nearest dinner to get interrogated (me) and meet the real Ritsu.

I keep my head down in shame like a dog who is sure to get scolded, afraid of being hated by the only friends I ever been able to make.

They probably do hate me.

Not answering the question like I am supposed to Ritsu does it for me while stroking my mop of hair soothingly with his left hand.

"Our parents were divorce since we were born and our mom had custody of us our name was Oda but Reita chose to take our other parent's name **Onodera**" I don't have to look up to see the scowl on Ritsu's face after having to say that name.

After what happened in the past between all of us, Ritsu and our father bond had shattered forever. Now they both refuse to acknowledge one another, nor less, stand the other.

I want to melt in the chair when Takano san asks my most dreaded question to answer.

"Mind telling us why you were posing as Oda Ritsu, Reita?" he sounds furious, hurt, heart-wrenchingly betrayed. I can't answer him!

"Excuse me? Who said he was posing as me?" I look up at Ritsu after that, who looks at Takano san sharply. How can he stick up for me?! "He obviously chose a career he wanted and he isn't acting like me. It's just my name he burrowed and I have an accurate guess why."

Gulp

"And to be 100 percent honest with you~ I believe family problems like this should be discussed only between family and bot with nosy people trying to find gossip so chill dude with your aura of death."

He did not just tell Takano san off like that!

"Ritsu!" I knock him on the head quickly "That is rude especially to my boss!"

"Well it's pretty rude of people to be asking things that should be discussed in private between the ones who it does typically involve unless, you WANT this to be a scene in public? Do you?"

Geh!

"N-no…"

"Well then." He smiles sweetly once more to my coworkers. "Introduce yourselves!" looking over the four, his sights land on Kisa san. Poor man, he looks like he's about to have a stroke. "Starting with you!"

"Eh why am I first?!"

"You look like the type to talk that's why! So come, come, don't start being shy now kid since you were the one that brought us here."

The eldest of the team squirms a bit but then gradually smiles back at the warm smile Ritsu gives him. Everybody falls for that smile…even now.

"My name is Kisa Shouta; Rits—Reita's coworker and best friend in the whole world! Oh and I'm not a kid, I am thirty!" best friend…the term echoes in my head as I inwardly smile at the fact he still claims to be my best friend.

"Cool—wait THIRTY!" Kisa nods smirking at Ritsu's flabbergasted expression. "No way! How?! Did you friggin drink an eternal youth serum or something?!" Kisa looks as if he's having De-ja-vue.

"You're not making sense, you know that right?"

"Ah s-sorry, I just believed you were younger than me…much younger."

"Everybody thinks that when first meeting him" I blurt out loud before realizing in time what I said and clamp my mouth shut again. Ritsu only smiles though and runs his fingers through my hair again chuckling.

"No kidding." Like melting butter, the ice gets broken…mostly anyways.

And so the introductions continue.

"And you sir?"

"Hatori"

"…"

"…"

"You're not much of a talker are you."

"…no"

"Ok then—What about you mister?"

"Kanade Mino! Lovely to meet you Oda san, it is not every day we start seeing double~ your hair smells nice by the way!"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

I forget how much of a creep Mino san can be, not to mention straight up random. Anyways…

"And you big fella?" Oh no! Why in the name of the gods did I think he would skip my boss, his first love? Please Ritsu, whatever you do, don't recognize him! Don't! "And forgive me if I come off as weird or rude here, but have we met before? You remind me sort of, of a friend I knew once in high school."

His eyes go a bit sad and distant but the smile never slips.

"That's not rude or weird." Takano san's voice is soft, scared with realization and confusion as he manages to catch my guilt filled eyes. While silently demanding answers from me, he tells my brother his name. "My name is Takano Masamune."

"_Masamune_" I hear my brother's breath hitch as he rolls the name around his tongue. Pain and some hope twinkles in his green jewel eyes "C-could" oh… "Did you," please no kami sama "Did you ever have a different last name before Takano?" my body goes cold, deathly cold. "Like something starting with and S?"

Before Takano san can answer (well confirm) with that light in his eyes, I kick Ritsu's chair from out under him sending him falling to the floor on the ground and his tea on his head.

I wince at his yelp.

Sorry otouto.

"You ok!" Kisa asks wincing at the painful looking tea seeping into otouto skin. Ouch!

"Yeah-itai-just clumsy is all." Why are you lying? You know I purposely kicked you down.

Sigh… "Here" I take my napkin and dip it in the ice water I have. Taking his face, minding the burns, I gently apply the now icy napkin to the wounds. It helps a bit but… "Your neck is still all red…"

"It's fine, I'm fine." Otouto gently pushes my hand away "It doesn't hurt as much anymore. The water helped thank you!"

"Awe you guys are so cute together!" Kisa laughs squealing on and on about us. I blush at his words and from my side I see Ritsu is blushing a bit as well…worse than me actually. But the moment is ruined when Kisa asks "Do you always act like this around each other?"

A blow to the chest.

We never talked with each other when we were kids. Only Ritsu and our father but not us, we were never…close. I always had a love resentment for my brother so I made it my goal to beat him at anything and see him as an enemy.

In a split second my jaded personal comes out making me scowl deeply and get up from my chair, gathering my thing.

"Where are you going Reita?" otouto asks apprehensive but right now I can't bring myself to care. I'm angry. Who does he think he is coming here after so many years and starting to act like we were never enemies to begin with? What give him the right to open his arms and bash his lashes like he does with everybody and expects me to forgive HIM?

What gives him that right?!

"I'm going home to do work in peace. See you…whenever I guess." Bowing I leave with no sympathy or sorrow shown on my face. Only anger.

* * *

_**Oda Ritsu~(v_v~)**_

I watch him go sadly and my heart swells with pain of losing what we never really had. But I can't and don't blame him and I never will blame him.

We were kids back then and I was angry at so many things. I felt like I was losing my mind with the suffocation and beyond betrayed that when the opportunity to get away presented itself— I took it.

I don't regret my choice back then but I do regret leaving Reita with our father. I asked him to come with us, did my best to try convincing him of the freedom that laid beyond father's rule, but he rejected. He called me weak for leaving all I supposedly accomplished.

He's broken I can see that even if he can't.

And I've tried in the past to make him whole, build up his confidence by lowering mine whenever we were together; yet he still saw me as the enemy.

He still sees me as his enemy.

I sigh tiredly, not knowing what to really do and wanting to go to back home to America to cry myself asleep. But one look at my wrist peeking through the cuff of my sleeve, I see the scars, my most sacred secret, and I remember why I came back.

Why I followed my own path instead of going down father's chosen life for me when I was younger.

I came to make things right with my brother, show him I am not those things he seems to continuously believe I am. We already lost so many of our 'family'; I don't want us to lose each other through this twisted game our father set for us at birth.

I want to get to know my nii san and I would like for him to get to know me and my story, the one I only know.

With determination, I look at the men staring at me in worry, as if I am going to break after coming so far!

"Would any of you happen to know where Reita lives?"

* * *

**So yes this is the second chapter and I just want to thank you all for reading.  
**

**It means a lot and I hope you guys are getting something out of this.**

**If you guys have any questions or whatnot you can ask me in a review or just email me and I'll be sure to answer everything as best as I can. It doesn't have to be about this story, it can be any of my stories or just plain talking.**

**If anyone needs to ramble and get some emotions out I'm hear to be all ears-err-eyes since I'm reading?**

**Anyways**

**Til next time~**


	3. Chapter 3

_**DEAR READERS;**_

_**I AM DEEPLY SORRY FOR NOT POSTING ANYTHING IN SO LONG. I WAS ACTUALLY EXCITED FOR SPRING BREAK AND WAS PLANNING TO TYPE THE NEXT CHAPTER BUT SADLY MY TEACHERS WANTED TO BE ON THAT BS AND DUMPED A WHOLE BUNCH A WORK AND TEXT BOOKS ON US STUDENTS SINCE WE'RE IN ADVANCED CLASSES AND THEY SAY "YOU ARE ALL IN, YOU CAN HANDL IT!" **_

_**BUNCH OF BULL!**_

_**I WANT TO DEEPLY APOLOGIZE ALSO FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO POST ANYTHING EITHER FOR THE WEEK COMING UP SINCE MY ACT IS COMING. HOPEFULLY I WILL BE ABLE TO FIND TIME TO TYPE A PREVIEW OR SOMETHING DURING TESTING (IF MY TEACHERS DON'T DO THAT HMWK BS AGAIN) AND POST IT FOR YOUR ENJOYMENT. **_

_**AGAIN I CAN NOT STRESS ENOUGH HOW TRULY SORRY I AM ABOUT THIS. **_

_**SORRY-**_

_**_NEKOCANDY4LIFE**_


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